Sometimes, life hurts. Sometimes you feel like shit, and no one can really do anything about it. Sometimes even you can't, you just have to clench you jaw and move on.
The idea
I've wanted to be the subject of this photo because of what it represents for me.
We've all felt like this. Beat down by the reality of life unable to do anything. The feeling of pure loss, despair, or the envy to stop altogether.
I am so lucky to be far away from this now, but this is what I've felt like for years. It's what made me grow as a person, but in the process I lost a lot. A lot of innocence, love, and hope.
Portraits have the power of enabling you to express you feelings and to put them out to the world. It's never easy when doing so, but it's often liberating.
My face metamorphizes when I cut my hair so short, I almost feel like a different person. I feel like that child again that was kind of lost. Although now I'm far from cute with short hair.
My face reveals itself, shows its cracks, dents and marks. It's a harsher look I like because of the strength it gives to my expressions and my mimics. I can no longer hide behind long dark flowy hair, I feel more vulnerable. It helps me grow and look myself deep down in my eyes.
The truth is that this is who I am.
The light in my right eye is not much and yet so much. A tear, a drop of my soul, a glimpse of hope? That's up to the observer.
However, I am not trying to convey any sort of positivity with the composition, on the contrary, I want to show that oftentimes there is only despair. Sometimes, your gaze just falls upon the endless sea of lost thoughts and unhappy moments you have to face, because if not you, than no one will. Because you have to face it, because only you can do it, that's what makes it all so much harder.
The technique
The makeup had to look convincing; does it? To be honest, that wasn't the most important since I would be covering atop that with photoshop.
The hardest part was the lighting. It was crucial to get a harsh light on my face and a gradient in the background. It helped pull out the subject by giving some depth and increasing that sense of despair and hurt. The fall off on the face was also important to be able to see some of the features, most notably the bruises, and part of the ear. Luckily, I was accompanied because the set up was not the most optimal.
Make up done, light set up, time to edit the photo with some magic. In terms of contrast, I wanted to give the photo a bleached feeling by desaturating the blacks and shadows. As mentioned in previous posts, this gives sort of the essence that the subject is stuck in time.
Because of my lack of material and space, I couldn't eliminate the huge shadow casted behind me. I could not let that stay as such, it would've thrown off the composition. I therefore had to find a way to take it out by creating a gradient and blending the darker shadow with the rest. Not an easy feat because there are many various ways of doing this, and it can be quite time consuming to get a naturally looking gradient.
The final touches required to touch up the make up since it was not quite what I wanted.
The grain from the iso settings also helped give a raw sentiment to the photo.
The highlight in my eye was the process of pure luck. I had not envisioned it, but I did choose this version because of that.
Tools
Camera: Canon 1300D
Lens: Canon 18-55 mm
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